Why Zombies Will Never Win

Zombies are naturally the underdog of all monsters.  For the most part, they are neither super strong nor super fast, they possess no magical powers, and they are most certainly not capable of organized thought.  In fact, a zombie is only a shell of its human self, with nothing more than numbers to fall back on.  It is then a wonder as to how zombies always manage to overrun the military in nearly every zombie movie, with perhaps the most popular example being “The Walking Dead.”  After all, given its nature, the possibility that the military would be pushed to near extinction is more unlikely than the possibility of zombies.

To truly understand the military, it is important to evaluate the defense spending of the United States government.  When Eisenhower was president, he warned the American people to be wary of the military complex, a statement we have essentially ignored to the detriment of any potential zombie uprising.  This out of control military spending of approximately $700 billion annually, which to put in perspective is about 1,500 times more than what is needed to sustain Big Bird for one year, has brought to life unprecedented levels of military technology and ammunition.  In “The Walking Dead,” the viewers witness an old man with a pump action shotgun, surrounded by zombies, successfully dislodge the brains of numerous undead.  Surely, a 30 millimeter helicopter-mounted machine gun would be more than capable of holding its own.  Flight is a distinct advantage the living have over their brain-dead foes, and so are incendiary rounds.  Even still, if a zombie could worry, helicopters would probably not rank among the top ten obstacles to undeath.  The United States government is unarguably armed to the teeth with tanks, planes, and bombs that would swiftly “re-dead” the undead.

Of course, there are those who attempt to justify how the zombies could have won out, but the common explanations are faulty at best.  Some claim that the zombie insurrection succeeded because no one knew to aim for the head.  After all, soldiers are taught to shoot for the center of mass.  However, the majority of Westerners have seen more than enough movies to know how to adequately target a zombie’s weak spots.  Even if someone had been completely sheltered from pop culture, a great leap of synaptic gaps would not be necessary to discover that shooting for the head is the most efficient way to deal with the mindless brutes.  Then there is the argument that many soldiers would desert their posts in the face of such trying events.  Of course, who would sensibly desert the military in such situations; there is no safer place.  Anyhow, automation is gradually decreasing the need for man in military.  The idea that zombies often come in overwhelming hoards is also equally unreasonable.  Once again, the military possess unprecedented amounts of resources, allowing essentially infinite ammunition and the ability to quickly construct barriers impenetrable to zombies.  A simple concrete wall would be more than sufficient to halt a massive hoard and would provide ample time to demobilize the undead participants.

“The Walking Dead” perhaps provides the best explanation as to why zombies managed to overrun the military and that is everyone is infected by “Virus Z.”  Unfortunately, even this fails to convince.  Again, basic observation would eventually kick-in, and once it was discovered that all of the dead were returning with the munchies, the situation would be brought under control.  Besides, if the situation ever became truly grave, the United States would release its armies of Illuminati werewolves which would make up any insufficiencies.