An Alternative Sport for Oak Hill

Our football team here at Oak Hill High School was very successful this year, winning the State Championship for the first time in 30 years or so. The soccer team, on the other hand, never won a single game in the 2013 season. I have a proposition to create a new sports team at Oak Hill. The sport I propose is one of the most unique in the country and the world, in fact, there have only been a couple teams in history to ever compete in the sport. It is called squamish, and the main set-up of a match consists of two 43 player teams and five-sided field. Now this may seem slightly abnormal to the average person, but to me it’s pretty normal. The sport was introduced to the public in “MAD Magazine” in 1965, but really took off when Florida Institute created a team. Few organizations of squamish exist because the game is extremely complicated and difficult to learn, but I believe our school has what it takes to compete on the national level.

The players must, of course, wear the necessary equipment to play squamish, meaning we will need funding for the items. Gloves and helmets are obviously required whenever a hard ball is being hurled at breakneck speeds by Frullips, the long hooked stick similar to a shepherd’s crook. The flippers are traditionally worn as well because they make the game increasingly difficult and cause extreme cases of laughter. Finally, the ball is known as a Pritz and is constructed from an ibex hide and stuffed with blue jay feathers. Other padding is recommended, but optional. Each team consists of one right and one left Outside Grouch, four Deep Brooders, four Shallow Brooders, five Wicket Men, three Offensive Niblings, four Quarter-Frummerts, two Half-Frummerts, one Full-Frummert, two Overblats, two Underblats, nine Back-Up Finks, two Leapers and a Dummy. The game is officiated by a Field representative in a kilt, a Probate Judge wearing a wig and judge gown, a Baggage Smasher dressed as a pre-WWI beachgoer, and a Head Cockswain, but of course none has any authority after play has begun.

The squamish game is commenced by a Probate Judge flipping a Spanish peseta while the visiting captain guesses the toss. If he correctly guesses, the game is cancelled immediately. If not, the game begins. The frullip must touch the Flutney while the wise Chilean saying “Mi tio es enfermo, pero la carretera es verde!” is recited. The gameplay details are way too confusing to describe here, but the main gist is to kick or throw the Pritz across the goal line. The game is split into 7 Ogres (8 if it rains) and in the case of a tie there is a sudden-death overtime. This only happens if both Left Overblats have not fouled out of the game. In this case, the teams must line up across from each other, which is very difficult on a pentagonal field, and must shout dirty limericks at each other until one team breaks up laughing, causing them to lose the game. Does this not sound like a great game to play at Oak Hill?