Hopeful

For as long as I can remember my grandmother always told me that life wasn’t fair or that the world was cruel but I should never let that destroy my buoyancy. Little did I know, she was preparing me for what she was about to become. I never truly understood what she meant until about 2 years ago.

The fall of my Sophomore year my world was torn in two. The woman that I thought would always be my guiding light slowly ceased to shine. The cruel world that she once spoke of had begun to take over her life causing a great deal of depression and heartache. As the days went on the casual margarita with lunch turned into 2 then 3 and just continued to progress until it got to the point where she lies to you about needing to go get her medications because she needs booze. I watched her drink her life away down to the very last drop of the bottle. She thought that maybe, just maybe, by drinking to the point of no memory that the painful regrets and moments in her life would just cease to exist.

Alcoholism, takes 3 million lives each year and ruins countless others. My grandmother’s life is one of them, It hasn’t taken her life yet but if she continues down this this road then she will someday reach the point of no return and I will have lost my hero. Alcohol has begun to be like a warden controlling her life, locking her away from all of her family, transforming her into a woman that no one recognizes. The woman who was once kind and understanding, and the one I wanted to tell everything to, the mother figure in my life. Is now cold and cruel, she is quick to judge and short with everyone. I used to think that I couldn’t wait to dance with my grandmother at my wedding and watch her with my children knowing that my kids were the luckiest in the world because they had her. This spectacular woman watching out for them. Now I still want her there for all of that, I need her there for all of it, but I need the old her. I don’t know how I am going to make it through without the woman she once was. I won’t have someone to call when I am having cold feet because I am scared of commitment and needing someone to talk me down. I won’t have someone to call when I am waking up at 3 am with a screaming baby, so tired that I have no clue what I am doing and I need someone to walk me through. I won’t have anyone in my corner, I’ll be alone but there is always hope that someday she will make the right turn and go down a better road.