The Fear of the Unstoppable

Questions, sometimes go unanswered. Sometimes they go so you are too scared to ask them. The answers to the questions normally require answers to get relief. Although, sometimes answers should not be given to save the grief that is held behind them. A divorce can lead to these questions in which you are not sure if an answer should follow or not. How did it happen? What lead up to the divorce happening? Why did I have to find out in the way that I did? Why was it all my fault?

I remember standing in the stall next to one of my steers. I was brushing him getting him ready to go in the show ring just about an hour and half away. This was my last show to make sure I was going to the largest show of the region. If we place as we had been all year it was set in stone we would go to the regional show.  I wanted to make sure that they looked their finest for the judges to see. I was feeling very confident and felt like nothing could tear me down from my rein that I was on… well, almost nothing. As I was brushing his stomach that is when my friend walked around the corner.

It was obvious something was wrong. she looked like she had just seen a ghost. I knew the topic had to do with me when she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I put down my brush and sat on my showbox, just waiting for her to tell me.  She sat down in the chair across from me and sighed deeply. Then, she went on to describe how she was walking back towards the barns from the midway and saw my parent’s in an argument. When she walked passed them she overheard them talking about divorce paperwork.

She apologized to me over and over saying this is not how she wanted me to find out. How she did not want to become in the middle of this. She went on for a bit more, although, I do not recall them due to I was zoned out just wishing this was all just a dream.  I asked for her just to give me space, sadly not long after I was alone, my parents walked around the corner. They saw my glum expression on my face. They looked at the clock and saw that it was only half an hour until my show and saw that my cattle were not ready. They told me to get ready and that we would talk about what was wrong the moment I got out.

I walked around the barns with my cattle for awhile just relaxing my mind. After the show was over with for the day. I had pictures taken of me for a big show I was scheduled to go and represent Maine at. I did my best to hide the puffiness of my eyes from the camera and the judges during the show. Finally the day was over with having to deal with the public. I put my steers back in their stalls. They were all brushed down and nice and relaxed. I watched them for a couple minutes just laying down eating their hay. Sometimes, I wished I could live as simple and spoiled as these two did.  As I was about to walk off my parents told me that we had to talk in our camper. They told me how they had been planning on getting a divorce since the early spring and how they were not going to tell me until after my show season had finished.

The divorce made sense. My parents were fighting almost every night and my dad was hardly ever home. My mom was going out with her girlfriends when ever he was home. Just so many questions to this day run through my head. I know the divorce was partly due to how expensive my medical bills were and I also just last year found out other parts that lead up to the divorce that I never expected. There are still many ” what if” questions that run through my head. questions such as; what if my parents stayed together, how long had they known about the divorce before I found out, and finally, was the divorce really partly my fault?? Some of these questions I sometimes want answered while other times I know that if they are answered I most likely will not want to hear the underlying truth.

Photo on Foter.com