The Little Things

I always knew my family was… different and I think all my friends knew that too. I knew that my family was of French Canadian descendants and that my grandparents and their kids all spoke French growing up. I knew all of this from a very young age. The one thing I didn’t know that occurred in each generation of my family was something that I struggled with everyday, and until about a year into my struggles I found out not only did my grandmother struggle with it, but someone really close to me did too.

Starting my freshmen year I really noticed how irregular my emotions were and so I decided to talk to my grandmother, someone who at the time I didn’t know but she struggled with the same thing; depression. I noticed how ‘bad’ my depression was when I lost my best friend and at that time only friend, it hit me really hard because we didn’t end it badly but we also never really ended it; it kind of just faded out. I talked to my grandmother about how I felt, I felt like I had no purpose, that at the time I wasn’t worth it. She told me about how she struggled with it and how talking about it although I might not like, it is so much better than  keeping it in. After she told me about her story she told me that her son (my uncle) and my brother both struggled with it to the point where they felt the same way I did; that giving up was easier.

Shortly after learning that my brother, someone who I thought was the most positive, most outgoing, and happy person had struggled with this I automatically went to him. I thought that after hearing his ‘story’ and how he came from almost giving up to being someone who I always looked up to I thought to myself ‘if he can do it, why can’t I?’

After about two and a half years of working through my depression I hit a very strong and hard wall recently. I got to the point where I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I was depriving myself of everything necessary to stay healthy.  I went back to my grandmother and my uncle and told them what was going on and asked them what I could do or what they could do to help me get through this. They told me that this was a genetic thing, that our family had a decrease in serotonin in our brains and it made us how we are, some of us struggle with it while others in our family don’t at all. Hearing that was hard because I thought to myself “what did I do? Why me? I have had enough problems, why more?” I kept asking myself “why me why can’t it be someone else?” I then realized that I was glad it was me because, I would NEVER want ANYONE to have to go through the troubles I have, I would never want someone to feel so alone that they want to give up.

Learning about my family history and how this is a recurring thing made me realize that there is nothing wrong with ME. Instead god gave me this challenge because he knew I could get through it, he knew that I could take my story and help others. The thing with depression that I struggle with the most is trying to be positive not only to others but with myself. I struggle to see the bright side of things because there are so many other things my head telling me negative things and because of how my brain is it’s easier to listen to those voices; they over power my positive thoughts.

If I have ever been one of those people to push you away when you knew I needed help I want to say sorry. I’m sorry that at times when I need people the most I push them away, I’m sorry that I take my ‘anger’ and sadness out on others. I wrote this post to tell others that they aren’t the only ones, that I am here to tell you that you can do it. I took this post differently I took it as a way to show others not only what my family history is like but to show them that everyone struggles and everyone has their hard days. If there is one thing I can take away from learning about my family history it’s that no matter the struggle, no matter the pain, there is always another way. Try to find happiness in the little things, in life, in people,in yourself and always know that people struggle. Instead of judging ask them if they are okay, have a conversation make their day with a simple compliment. Photo on Foter.com