The Hardest Goodbye

It all started in the summer of 2019. Family life for me had never been the best, but this summer it was just so much worse. I was in the process of getting emancipated, I had pressed charges on my father, and I was homeless bouncing between friends praying I could find rides to school and work. I had no clue what I was doing with my life, why my life had gone like this, I felt as though someone else was playing a game with my life. After what seamed like forever, but was really only about two months, one of my old best friends said she was moving back to Maine. She told me when her and her family got home, I was more than welcome to move in with her. For me, this was a savior. I had no car, no house, and I felt as though I had no one, not even my cat. I told my mom because at the time, she and I had an okay relationship. Expecting to have her break down and lose her mind because her youngest baby, her last child was leaving the family and wanted no part in it, I was surprised. When she answered the phone and I told her what was going on, and what my plans were, she was upset, but she was allowing it. I had felt like my family gave up on me because they were not fighting for me to stay, or trying to fix the broken relationships we had. They had just accepted it and they were just letting me walk away. I truly felt as though I had no one, the two people that brought me into this world, my rocks, my home, my everything, were both okay with me just walking away.

When my friend finally got home, I went to my house to pack my things, and my cat’s things, she had always been my security pet. Anytime I was upset she could tell and she would come in my room, climbing under my blankets in bed, biting my fingers and toes, kneading my arms or chest, chewing on my hair. She would do anything she could just to get my mind off of whatever was bothering me. She would meow with me when I sang songs, she slept with me every night, she followed me around my house. That cat truly was my best friend, so those few months I did not have her felt like hell. I got to my house and she came running up to me the second she saw who it was. Instantly I started balling my eyes out. I could not believe it was finally happening, I was leaving and was taking all my things with me. I had been thinking about this day since I was twelve years old. My friend comes to my house, I had not seen her in a couple years because she moved out of the state. I run up to her, give her a hug, and we talk for a bit while her husband and I loaded up the U-Hall. Then we were on our way to our new house. We got there, and I unload all my things, it was starting to get dark by this time, as it was around seven at night. I asked if we could go pick up my check at work and stop at the store so I could get Marilyn, my cat, some toys, treats,a litter box, her favorite food, and a bed. Her husband said he wanted to go fishing for a bit too, so they put their dogs in the kennel, and we all got in the car and left. We dropped her husband off at the spot, then went to my work so I could pick up my check. After that, my friend and I go to the store and I pick out all kinds of stuff for my baby. I spent most of my check on cat things that night, the store clerk looked at me as though I was some sort of crazy cat lady, I did not care though. I had a home with people who wanted to see the best for me, who wanted to help me anyway they could, and they allowed me to take my best friend with me, I could not have been more thankful. As we pulled into the driveway, my friend said something about how she hoped the dogs did not get out, I agreed, “that would be some mess to pick up!”, I said as we both chuckled.

I walk into the house, open the basement door, and I see wet dog prints… The dogs got out. “Well, we got a mess” I said laughing, then I see it… I scream bloody murder, as though someone was killing me. Instant tears, I could not control myself. On the floor, covered in blood and spit, panting with her tongue out, I see my princess. I run over to her and gently pick her up, “HELP! HELP! THE DOGS GOT MY BABY!!”, I was frantic. I look at the dogs, and they are both covered in spit and scratches, I could see Marilyn’s blood on the white husky’s face. My friend told me to get in the car, “We’re going to the emergency vets, they can help her, she will be okay” she said. I cried the whole way to the vets with my baby in my arms slowly dying. Then in front of us, the arms that block off the road for trains to go by come down. I can see the building we were so close. Without even thinking I get out of the car and start running, I run through the tracks, I could see the train, but I did not care. I needed my Mare Bear.

I get to the vets, and get settled in the room with my princess, and start filling out paperwork as fast as I can so they could take her and get her hooked up to fluids with pain meds so she was not hurting anymore. Finally, I get all of that done, it was around eight thirty now, my friend comes into the room twenty minutes later, and we just sat there. In a room made of metal, no noise except the constant beeping coming from the other room where they had my cat. The vet comes into the room, I stand up, frantically asking questions, “Will she be okay? How is she doing? Can I see her please? Can you just do what you are doing in here I need to see her?”. They told me they were doing all that they could, she was on IV fluids and had taken pain meds so she was not hurting anymore. They showed me the x-ray, and said she had no broken bones, but they could not tell if the dog’s teeth had punctured something internally until they took an MRI. I told my friend to go home, it was late, almost eleven at night, she had been driving all day and her baby was very tired. I told her to go home, “We’ll be okay here, I promise” I said, and she did.

I sat in that vets office for almost the whole night all alone, crying. Until I finally got ahold of my mom and made her come get me, the vets told me I could not take my cat till tomorrow morning at seven. They told me she would be okay. I went back to my friend’s house, she and her husband were sitting on the front porch waiting for me. They assured me no matter what happened it would be okay. Then her husband said he wanted to pay all my vet bills. I could not let them do that, it was not their fault. We did not think about things before, we just acted and this was the consequence. I had to face it. It was my fault. The next day my grandmother brought me to the vets to pick her up, I was so excited, they had told me I would be able to bring her home. We get to the vets and I give the receptionist all the money I had, I had saved up, almost had one thousand dollars for a car, and it still was not enough to cover the bill. I begged my grandmother to lend me the money, “I will give you my whole check next Tuesday it will cover what you just paid and more. Please just help me!” I had been crying ever since It happened the night before, she could see the pain I felt. My grandmother stayed out front talking to the receptionist while they brought me out back to get her. There she sat, in an oxygen cage, lifeless. That is when they told me we had to take her to her regular vet’s office. I lost it even more than I had been, I had two waterfalls of tears coming out of my face. She had a cast on, and an IV in her arm. They wrapped her in a blanket and sent us on our way. The whole car ride was silent, I just sat there holding my little princess while she was heavily drugged and could not even pick her head up. We finally get to her regular vets, I explain what happened, and they took her out back and said they would call us if anything happened. My grandmother drops me off back at my friend’s house, and not even ten minutes after I had got home, my grandmother called me. She told me my baby had passed while the vets were putting her IV in. I did not think it was possible to hurt emotionally so bad, I was so mad at myself. I made a nice grave for my princess, buried her at the house, made a heart with rocks, and put all her treats and toys with her as I sent her in to the ground. That was one of the hardest goodbyes I ever had to say.

My own selfishness was my mistake. My brother had told me not to take her because that was the home she knew, but I could not just leave my baby behind like that. She had helped me through so much in my life, I needed her more than she needed me, and that was why I took her. I felt so guilty, and still to this day feel the guilt of her life on my shoulders. She had it all back at my family’s house, she could go outside and play, she did whatever she wanted, but I was selfish and had to take her from her home because I needed her. I did not think things would have been like this, I did not see things going downhill so fast, but that is what sucks in life. You never know until it too late. Just because something is best for you, does not mean it is best for someone else.

Photo by Olivia Cummings