The Unnoticed Laugh

The day I had found out who my real dad was and I have yet to meet him. I have a whole other side to my name that I have never met and have been hidden for quite some time. I try to make myself feel better about this situation by making jokes about how “I never met my dad” or saying “At-least you know who your real dad is”, I do this to get some laughter out of it, but in all honesty is just brings more and more pain than what meets the eye. After hearing that my “dad” will be in jail for quite some time I tend to also make jokes about it to throw in some laughter so I can feel better about how he ruined his life by doing drugs and in hopes I can be better than him. I have 2 close friends named Jack and Jill, Jacks mother tried to kill him when he was a baby and had been since taken care of by an amazing family. Jill’s father just left and had never come back, simple as that. It is just such a coincidence how Jack, Jill and I all don’t know one of the parents that had given us life.

We do tend to poke jokes about how we all don’t know our real father and sometimes even come to a realization that we all have that in common and find it pretty interesting and then laugh about it, but deep down who knows who is getting hurt. I can not read through their eyes but I sure can feel through my heart and it feels as if laughter is failing me in this since. Laughter about this topic just seems to put me in a happy mood for a few minutes because I love the father that raised me and I’m very grateful for and cherish his ability to take me in open arms even before I was born and had given me a great life. The other half of me just feels sad about laughing because I never got to meet my “dad” and wish to meet my “other half” but who knows if that will ever happen. Laughter doesn’t seem to show how I feel; Joy, happiness, enjoyment. Laughter seems to be a mask for me; This mask is so people do not see me at my weakest.

I enjoy laughing, but there are many days my Sophmore year in high school where I would laugh about the situation just so hearing others laugh could make me feel better but deep down me laughing and purposely having others laugh about the situation actually just made feel weak. I have had times that laughter has made me feel much better and increased my self-confidence and just made me feel around happy. But yet I still seem to see laughter as a tough subject because it is so hard to just put a smile on your face and mask yourself with a laugh. When they are also relating to a tough subject that maybe they have gone through and possibly doing what I did and used laughter as a “help” but couldn’t ask for it because how weak they felt. I am now a senior and had realized that I have matured since then and have grown into this happy personality, no many times others see me sad because I’m doing my best to be in the right space and mind. I am still sensitive about certain topics and will tend to hide my emotions behind laughter in hopes no one notices when I read I laugh. I get so nervous that someone would poke fun at my stutter so I do my utmost best to just show my laughter to hide behind it but sometimes my mask shows by revealing a tomato face.

Laugher is a symbol of sadness to me because most people will hide their emotions behind laughter and not get the help or ask for it but yet do their best to figure it out on their self. The thing is with laughter is that it can be so easily misused or even confused by because people sometimes laugh at a parents’ death while they are actually crying inside because laughter is their way to cope with their emotions. Now I am a senior I have had much growth from my Sophmore year to where I am happy and live in happiness but still find happiness to fail me because now I understand the difference because laughter failing me to it being actual joy laughter. The day I had found out who was who, was the day laughter archived sadness.

Photo by Brechtbug on Trends Hype / CC BY-NC-ND