Laughing Definitely Wasn’t The Right Response…

I have always been a fairly awkward person around people, especially in uncomfortable situations. I tend to say or do things that I should not or react in a way I should not in those situations, whether that be making jokes or laughing at inappropriate times. But there is one instance that sticks out in my mind that is the worst of them all: the day I laughed at my uncle’s funeral.

I am not quite sure how long ago but I was around 12 years old at the time, but I remember it was during the summer because my brother and I were at our grandparent’s camp. When we woke up and went outside, my parents and grandparents were sitting at the picnic table and my dad was crying, so I knew something was wrong. We sat down with them and my dad tried to talk but he just could not get the words out, so my grandmother explained to us that my uncle was in a car crash and he passed away. I was shocked and did not know what to say, but my brother broke down when we found out. They were really close and spent a lot of time together so it hit him really hard. I felt like I should cry, but I just couldn’t. Of course I was sad, and I felt bad for my family, but it just did not affect me in the same way it did them.

My uncle’s funeral was a week later, and this was the first funeral I had ever gone to that I remember. My dad sat with his father and stepmom in the front row, and I sat in the back row with my brother and mom. I was nervous and didn’t know what to do or how to act, being around so many people made me nervous. When I was little and got nervous, one of two things usually happened: I would cry or I would laugh. Unfortunately for me in this situation, it was the latter. Maybe I just think my nervous laughter was louder than it was because I do not remember anyone looking or saying anything about it, but I was completely embarrassed about it which only made me laugh more. I tried my best to be quiet, covering my mouth with my hand and hoping it would go away. But of course, it did not go away. When I realized that I was not going to be able to stop laughing, I got up from my seat and left the room as quietly as I could. Luckily, my seat was right next to the door so I did not disturb the service. After I left the room, I went into the bathroom and stayed in there until I could calm myself down enough to go back to my seat.

I felt truly awful about laughing at a time like this, but I could not help it. It was my body’s automatic response to my stress and nerves. Even now I think back to that day and I feel really terrible about it. I wish I could have changed my reaction to almost anything else besides laughter, but it is too late to change it.

After that, I have tried my best to stop reacting in this way when I get nervous and awkward. I wish I could say I have gotten better at it, but I have not because it is difficult to change an automatic response.

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