Humor Doesn’t Travel

Photo by gumtau on Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

I’ve never had many friends in high school – my circle has remained very, very small for the majority of my social life. The people I’ve chosen to let in has shifted, but my values have not. Though I’ve always questioned, why me? Personally, I think I’m quite the character – I’m funny, caring and kind – but not everybody will think the way you do about yourself. More than half the time I speak too soon, say too much – and I realize maybe that’s why I’m not necessarily with the “in” crowd. Sadly, that bothered me for a very long time but as I’ve grown up and experienced more, I’ve learned not to care about what other people think of me. My family though, has always been a great support system. Everybody laughed at each other we joked around there has always been little to no judgement when it comes to who we are. Home is my safe space, but eventually you must leave the nest and take a step into the real world – that was hard for me. But when I finally started taking chances, life was fun outside of my family. That really became true in my Junior Year of high school.

Junior year was a fantastic year for me, as far as personal growth goes. I learned what I loved, and what I didn’t. This was the first year I participated in school events, one being Poetry Out Loud. I was ecstatic come out of my shell but I was extremely nervous. A million anxious thoughts when through my mind, and I was scared I was going to ruin things for myself before it had even started. Surprisingly, everything was going well, but I definitely thought I was going to lose. My competitor chose longer poems and the tone they used fit perfectly with the poems. At that point, I accepted defeat and was going to be happy with whoever won. A small part of me wanted to lose, because being the center of attention was something new for me and I didn’t know how to handle it. The judges needed some time to make a decision, and all of a sudden, the anxiety started – and you guessed it, (if you’ve read my previous blog posts, you already know where this is going) my ears began to feel hot and I felt butterflies – but the bad kind of butterflies. I felt like I was going to be sick. When the judges finally made a decision, Mr. Young made his way to the stage. The suspense was like nothing I had experienced before; I had a real shot at winning, but what if I let myself down? These negative thoughts took over my mindset until I couldn’t feel anything good anymore. My anxiety was high and my brain became mashed potatoes. When Mr. Young announced the winner, he said my name – weird. It didn’t hit me at first, so I just stood there, clapping, for myself. When I finally realized I won, all of the negative thoughts went away – I had won something. I had spent so long trying to prove myself to everyone, and this was it. I extremely proud of myself.

So, as Mr. Young was explaining what the winner must do for the regional competition, I thought I would crack a joke – a very dad-like joke. He mentioned I would have to memorize three poems, not just two, for the real deal. So, I waited for him to pause, and in front of the entire crowd, which didn’t consist of very many people, but there were still people, I decided to say, stupidly, “wait, I have to memorize another poem?!” Nobody laughed, and the look of disappointed on Mr. Young’s face will haunt me forever. I stood there, absolutely mortified. So I laughed it off, waved my hand and told him and the audience, I was just kidding. He stood still, stared at me for a second, then carried on with what he had been saying. I frantically looked around the stage for support, but I was sad to see some of my competitors were rolling their eyes and scoffing at my failed dad-joke, and I was disappointed in myself!

It’s been almost a year – a year – and to this day, it’s one of the dumbest things I’ve said out loud. I’m gonna be honest and say that it still keeps me up at night! When I looked back at that embarrassing and mortifying situation, I cringe so hard. I wish I would have never said that, because it only made people think I’m a complete weirdo, and a deadbeat joke maker. I will redeem myself one day, but definitely not in front of a crowd – I guess stand up comedy is out of possible career options!