I missed the toilet

Up at camp with the family. Dad’s camp, so it’s just dad, Dan, Sam, and me, but that’s all the family I needed. I loved those men, they were so much fun. I mean, when dad wasn’t drinking that is. Sam and Dan always were doing such fun activities up at camp, like dirt biking and fishing, and mudding. I was allowed to go out on the boat with them and go on adventures. Dad would come along for most of it. I’ll never forget fishing with that man, my dad. Either in the stream or on the ice, fishing with my father up in Jackman are some of my favorite memories of him. That’s when I knew he loved me.

I never felt unloved with those boys up there. No matter how much I knew they loved me and I loved them, I always wanted to make them proud. I never wanted to be dumb or say anything in front of them to be “uncool”. I wanted to be one of the guys. (A hard task when you’re an 8-year-old girl) Anyways, the way my camp is set up, there is a bathroom, master bedroom, kitchenette and living room downstairs. Up a steep set of stairs and through a creeky, very peculiar, tall, thin, door, is a loft area with a few beds and a little hallway, and through the small white door at the end of it, my little bedroom. A cold winter night, on a camp trip, to go snowmobiling and ice fishing. I was nine years old at the time. We had a long day, rode about 100 miles up to Pittston Farms, ate lunch and returned. 200 miles on the sled takes a lot out of you.

We got back late afternoon, hung around the camp, watched TV, ate red beans and rice (a camp special meal with cajun sausage… its heaven) and one by one we all went upstairs to go to bed. I fell asleep almost immediately. I would be lying if I said I remember what time I woke up. Since I didn’t get my first phone until I was ten years old, I had no source of telling time and no flashlight. The camp was about as dark as coal. When I woke up I had to pee. Right then. There was no time to wait. I knew I had about five minutes until the flood gates opened. I sprang from my bed and opened the door to my room. I knew I just had to find the tall narrow door to my right in the hall. I tiptoed across the floor, careful not to wake my brothers sleeping ten feet away. I searched and searched the wall, looking for the door, or the light switch. Neither were anywhere to be found. It was as if they had literally disappeared. I began to cry, softly so my brothers wouldn’t wake up. I knew if I woke them up they would be so mad at me. I wanted to wake them up or one of them up and ask if they could open the door for me or turn on the light. I walked up to Sam, he was sleeping, I couldn’t force myself to ask him to help me. I couldn’t get myself to ask either of my brothers to wake up and help me. So I continued to cry, and eventually peed on the floor.

My fatal flaw in this story was not asking Dan or Sam to get up and either turn on the light or open the door for me. When my father woke up the next day, I told him the dog had peed on the floor. He believed me, despite the fact that the dog doesn’t go upstairs. This whole ordeal taught me a major life lesson. First I learned where the darn light switch upstairs was. Next, I found where the door and its knob were located, it’s just the knob was too high to find because it was way higher than any other doorknob I had ever used. I never told my dad to this day that it was actually me who peed on the carpet. The poor dog, blamed for my mistake. If I had woken up one of my brothers they would have just opened the door for me and I would not have squatted on the floor.

I lost a little bit of dignity that day and had guilt for weeks. Ever since that night, I learned the importance of asking for help, and to this day even if I feel it is irrelevant, or stupid to ask. Asking a question can be the difference between life or death, or in my case, where I pee. The fear of inconveniencing someone for a short time is something that I was able to defeat from this experience. I definitely am still very independent but I am able to be vulnerable and ask for help in times of need.

Photo by tandemracer on Foter.com / CC BY