To Play The Game

I’ve always been the one that was able to laugh things off… correction I’ve always been the one that laughs 24/7, loud and obnoxious, you can hear my laugh from anywhere… but sometimes, sometimes it’s tough. I’ve played soccer since I was 4 years old, and I always loved to play. My coordination isn’t all that great so I look goofy, and I trip and I fall, but I’d always get back up laughing, “Did you just see that, I totally just tanked it”.  Somehow over time, it got hard. I couldn’t just walk out onto the field with no cares in the world, just love for the game, something had changed.

Freshman year I was hesitant to play, I ended up joining the team after the season had started. I don’t think I’m good at soccer, but I had played for so long and I loved to play so I just sent it. There’s only one chance at life so live it up. At first I was nervous, I stayed in the back, and I didn’t really talk to anyone, I was shy for the first time ever. As the season went on, I became closer to the girls, I had known them since third grade, even grew up with a few of them, but once we stepped foot on that field everything was so different. These girls were so good at soccer, so much better than me, and it made me feel like my mistakes were way more drastic than they were.. I felt like everyone was watching everything I did, waiting for me to make mistakes, I know they weren’t, or maybe they were I don’t know I just know I felt judged because I wasn’t as good. Sophomore year I decided I was still going to play, I was going to do summer soccer, and I was going to play preseason, I wanted to dedicate my time to soccer so I could be as good as they were. I wanted to actually feel apart of the team. I put my mind to it, and I did it. I was there every day, trying my hardest, doing  everything I could to improve my skills… but it just didn’t work. Everyone was still so much better than me, and I still felt like everyone was watching and laughing at my mistakes, even though I couldn’t do that myself. 

Junior year came around, I had that same mindset, “Try your hardest, push push push. I know you’re tired, I know you want to give up, but you love to play.”, and that was the truth. I was so tired of feeling that way, I was so ready to just throw in the towel and give up, but I kept pushing and working hard. Improvements were not made though, as the days went on and practices continued, all my friends were on varsity and I was still jv. I knew my skills weren’t there even though I had been playing my whole life, I knew everyone was better than me. It was my own inability to laugh at my mistakes that made me quit.Senior year I didn’t play soccer. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I loved playing that sport, I loved the freedom, the control, the power. I loved everything about it… except for the way I felt while I played. No one ever said anything to me, no one ever told me I wasn’t good, I just felt that way playing alongside all these amazing girls. 

Not being able to laugh off simple mistakes I made on the field, made me give up the only sport I loved. I tried so hard to ignore it, I tried so hard to just pretend it didn’t bother me, but it all just became too much and I couldn’t do it anymore. The obnoxiously loud, bubbly person I am went away when I laced up those cleats, I became secluded and quiet, trying not to draw attention to myself because I already felt like enough people were looking at me. I couldn’t simply laugh it off like I did everything else, and it ended it all for me. 
Photo by clappstar on Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND