Stumbling Through Life Before I can Blink

Hello! Whoever may be listening in on this, thank you, my name is Riley Goucher and I am kind of that awkward kid that sits behind you and corrects every incorrect answer. Starting back from when I was younger, I have always been socially awkward. I do not like meeting new people and having to form new bonds to say the least. My childhood before highschool was not as filled with memories as I would have liked it to be but the great values I learned while being at Oak Hill alongside the memories that could last a lifetime. Anxiety has been a large thorn in my side for years now. I am sure that many of you listening have had similar experiences, the feeling of your muscle locking up, your brain scrambling itself, and the constant feeling of dread. 

It was freshman year, the very first day to be exact, I was so looking forward to Highschool at first. I put on some decent clothes but made sure to not get too dressy or under dressed (Yeah, that mindset has changed a bit since then), so my plan was to find my friends when I arrived. On the way there, I got the typical words of wisdom from my Mother to make sure to get my work done on time (uhhhhhh, whoops, sorry mom) and to make sure I make friends so I am not lonely. I started to ponder that if anyone could possibly remember me after the summer, as the minutes ticked down to arrival my heart began to pound faster and faster, screaming at me, almost coming out of my chest. As the car pulled up to the small brown building, a million possibilities began to flow throughout my head and were the only clear thoughts I still remember. Would I fail out of this my very first year? Am I smart enough to get to senior year? Will I remember anything that they teach me? All eventually got an answer, but yet it was time for me to walk into that building and begin a journey that I will never forget. As I opened that door for the very first time, the immediate sound of some chirping freshman was audible, something that I got used to hearing organized chaos at the start of every day. I headed towards the lunch room and it was as if time froze for a second or two as I rounded the corner and looked upon the large crowd of kids. I looked for friends of mine, and started walking into the large crowd, I was listening to see if anyone recognized me and would call me over to sit with them, well out of that hope I got awkwardness like usual. In the back left corner of the lunchroom I hear “Omg see guys that’s Riley, not him.” I moved my head like a lizard and snapped it towards the sound. A few of my friends had been sitting together and a new kid had arrived before me that looked extremely similar. As I sat with my friends I had realized that they actually confused me with another person, I felt so insignificant at that moment and time, letting my anxiety consume me and tell me what is going on instead of letting me tread the water for myself. Freshman year was filled with events like that throughout the year, such as hitting seniors in drills during practice, nothing scared me more than what I would try and prove on the field, every practice, giving every ounce of work I had in me. I remember a particular game that gave me the worst case of anxiety I can remember my freshman year, It was just a JV game and I had no real reason at first to be anxious about it. When we arrived and saw the competition, it hit me, these were no JV players that we were about to go against. The opposing team decided to bring most of their varsity squad to play in this game. As my anxiety skyrocketed, a man that helped change me my freshman year, Coach put his hands on my shoulders and did not have much to say other than “You know why you are here, now show them why you are” It meant to me that I am here to prove myself and now its time to demonstrate what I had practiced, and translate to gameplay. Before I strapped that helmet on I started what sometimes I still do before workouts, I fell silent during the hype of the team and drowned all sound out, came to peace with everything around me in my life and prayed that whatever is above me, give me guidance in this trial. The anxiety completely faded, football taught me before I knew it how to control my anxiety and without it I would not have made it through freshman year as easily. As freshman year came to an end there was a feeling of relief, yet an existential feeling of dread for the years ahead of me. Some lessons take years to learn and for me with my anxiety that was the whole and complete truth. Football would not always be there for me, and so it was put upon my shoulders once more the constant anxiety of failure and so many other ridiculous things. As the years went on I tried several different methods, until a few events occured this year that really turned my life around and finally finished what I had started working on years prior.

Senior year arrived, and let me tell you anyone who has ever said that senior year blows by is a liar, I have been in senior year my entire highschool career it feels like. Senior began to show me how I would react to certain situations in the real world if they were to happen, such as being caught high in the office. Welp lets cut that one short and just say that the anxiety meters that day couldn’t even get a reading on me. My attendance this year was well less than stellar you could say, and the ways it impacted my anxiety have changed me forever. It was around March and I was failing multiple classes, something that for me personally is a huge mistake. It felt as if there were two ton weights on my chest, holding me down and forcing me to stay away from the school building. One night I decided the pain was enough and contacted Mr. Aliberti, what followed was me slowly incorporating myself back into the norms of being at school everyday. I had been on an off and on schedule that led to me not going to school altogether (do not be like me ever). I had finally felt normal at school and just being there made me feel like I was doing something good with my life. Well that was until covid hit and I went straight back to my old ways, I sat here for months at home not doing work and just stalling the inevitable. Everyday I felt guilty about this and yet my support system had just collapsed and I needed something, as may approached I became more and more determined I started to call upon minor lessons I had learned over the past few years. Still I was stuck I did not know where to even begin with the workload, that is where Mrs. Chick came into play and really gave me a boost of hope with a simple list of what had to be completed. I am glad I had wished for a list because other teachers put the work on the list, alongside the english work. I could now see the path ahead of me and realized just how easy the fix really was, it taught me a valuable lesson, you can’t know if something is impossible until you try to make it possible. That one small moral gave me the insight I needed to finally fix my anxiety with schooling, the fix was simple and I was always to blind to look right in front of me to realize that to have no anxiety or minimize anxiety of schooling was impossible for me and instead of trying to get rid of it. Incorporate that anxiety into a drive and a work ethic, no human with anxiety like me can fully suppress it, all I had to do the entire time was to take anxiety and overcome the fear it creates but keep the feeling of having to get something done right then and there. That is the only reason I am even reading this to you right now. I wish I had found that motivation, the motivation to be aware of how I can change myself for the better, all by myself but I have to give credit where it is due so I thank a large group of people for always being there during my hardships and helping guide me to be who I am today, Amaya Farrington, Mr. Aliberti, Kyle Stilkey, Quintin Mckay, Ian Reed, Coach Ducette, Coach Wright, Coach Goodhart, Mrs. Bourassa, Mrs. Chick, Mr. Crocker,Mrs.Rose, and last but not least Mrs. Stubbs. All of these people have impacted my life like a bomb hitting a ammunition storage facility, exploding ideas and creativity forth from me things I never thought I would be interested in. All I can do is deeply thank these people for helping me realize who I am as a an individual and not just as a student, the ones who showed me that anxiety can be controlled and it should never impede me from seeing that the impossible is only impossible until someone tries to make it possible, thank you everyone, and make the most out of what you were given.

Photo by petervarga on Foter.com / CC BY