Indecisive

“Thinking” by Miroslav Vajdić is marked with CC BY-SA 2.0.

This or that? Seems like a simple question; a question that has no baggage and no consequence. A question that should be answered in a couple of seconds on a split decision. Something that does not require much thinking or no thinking at all. A question that does not mean life or death. A question that would not alter the rest of my life, so why is it such a hard question to ask myself?

The indecisiveness of my brain creates a steep wall for me to climb. A feeling like when I am almost at the top I just want to be back on the ground and when I am on the ground I want to be back at the top. This or that; that is the question. The question that pauses my thoughts and makes my brain draw out its own pro’s and con’s list. It is something that wastes my time and wastes my energy. It is a hard question indeed.

Do I want yellow or do I want blue? This or that? It is just a water bottle; the choice is yellow or blue. The choices float through my head, back and forth, twirls and somersaults, but no answer. The water bottle is a trivial accessory in my life and both blue and yellow will do the job for me, yet it is not a simple choice. Yellow may bring me happiness through its pastel brightness. It may cheer me up when I go get an ice cold sip of water after a run, but it does not match my red backpack. Blue on the other hand would contrast well with my red backpack, but does the color give me joy or does the color remind me of cold winter days? My head spins with yellow or blue thoughts, the pros and cons are lining up in a list and are too overwhelming for my brain. I have already been in the store for 30 minutes carrying around a yellow and a blue water bottle, I just need to pick one. It is not life or death, I have to remind myself again. At this point, my mind is fried, and I am burnt out of thinking. I am done shopping for the night, I have endured too much stress and I answer my decision on a wim; yellow it is.

Do I want pasta or pizza? Here we go again; another “this or that” question that is uncomplicated and straightforward for me to answer. It is just lunch; the choice is pasta or pizza. Both pasta and pizza are floating through my head almost like a scene from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Both options will fill me up and leave me without hunger, yet it is not a simple choice. Pasta has always been my favorite meal; it’s the obvious choice, but I want to change it up. Pizza allows me to try something different as I can get multiple toppings, but it may come out greasy. My head’s spinning like a tilt or whorl as I sit at a restaurant booth deciding on a meal. I have already sent the waiter away once and have delayed everyone from getting their order taken, I just need to pick one. It is inconsequential, whichever one I choose. I am submerged in my thoughts and I am tired of carrying the burden of a decision. I am hungry, the people I am with have been hungry and I answer my decision on a wim; pasta it is.

Do I want to be a nurse or an occupational therapist? It is another classic question. Is it a simple question? No, it is not simple. Is it an inconsequential question? It is very consequential. It is not just a job, the choice is nurse or occupational therapist, but this one choice determines the pathway for the rest of my life. My mind is still bogged up because of all the little decisions I try to make that it leaves no room for big decisions. I try to think, I want this question to float and twirl in my head, I want to have the pros and cons list of each, but it does not come to me. The extensive time and energy I give to the little things in my life has blocked my ability to decide things that matter, things with consequences and things with options that may not fill my needs. I am struggling here, just another “this or that” question, but this one has had me stumped for months. I have waited to commit to college. I have changed my majors over three times. I have led my parents into worry; I just need to pick one. I cannot think anymore of it, I answer my decision on a wim; I just do not know.

A simple this or that, yet not so simple blurs my mind of everything but it. It wastes my time and energy. It makes me stress and burn out on my own thoughts on some of the effortless decisions. A water bottle color should take maybe five minutes to decide and a lunch should take up to the same. So why is the question so hard for me? How come my mind cannot make my decisions on the little things in life? I get so frustrated with the lack of answers to the easy question “this or that?”. How can one stress so much over a simple question?