The Journey Of Finding Myself (My Worst Mistake)

We all have made mistakes which we regret, some worse than others. My worst mistake occurred when I was very young, and first started attending school. For starters, My childhood started with my mother not being in the picture, as her and my father had divorced when I was very young, and my dad had to work multiple jobs to make money to try to support me and also appease his addictions. Therefore, I was raised by my grandmother, who was and still is, a very religious Christian woman. She raised me in a church in Livermore Falls, and taught me to be kind, have morals, etc… Basic things about living that everyone should know. The worst thing she taught me, however, was probably to be passive and not stand up for myself, which did not help me in school in the slightest.

Yes, passiveness can be a good thing sometimes, but it wasn’t for me. I was raised to be only passive, play the pushover, and never learned how to stand up for myself. It got so bad that I would dread waking up every day, and the weekends were my salvation, until Monday would come back every time without fail. I did have some close friends, however I lost a bunch of them because they either moved away, didn’t want to be seen with the girl the whole school hated, or just got annoyed by my clingy nature. Sometimes people were even only nice to me out of pity, because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, but that kindness never lasted long.

This isn’t me just wallowing in my own self-pity, it isn’t my fault I never was taught how to stand up for myself and not be a pushover, and it wasn’t my fault people hated me either. I always wondered what was wrong with me or how I could ever make it through school at the rate things were going. I questioned myself, my own sanity, wondering what I was doing wrong and when this torture would end. I wondered why no one wanted to be my friend, why people were so cruel to me, why I couldn’t just have a good life and have good friends who weren’t backstabbing traitors only pitying my existence, and so much more. 

Middle school was one of the worst times for me. I had no sense of identity and even turned to popular girls to help me be “popular”. This, in turn, had very negative effects on my life and my mental health and was far from the smartest choice I had made. I was so desperate to fit in and ditch my social outcast, friendless life, and in a sense try to become a new person. I nearly forgot who I was in the process of letting these girls tell me what to wear, how to do my makeup, how to do my hair, who to hang out with, who to talk to, what to say any time I talk to people, and even what music I listened to.

After nearly losing who I truly was, and nearly changing everything about myself, I eventually cut everyone off. I needed time to myself. Time to heal. Time to just think without hearing someone make a snarky comment about my looks or personality, or someone telling me to change something about myself because with the way things were, then I would never fit in. I dealt with all this while also trying to mask the pain of depression, trauma, anxiety, and the typical struggles of being a teenager. All this while trying to develop my own sense of self, and also learn how I could fight back, as I faced the fact that if I didn’t work on it now, then I would always be this way, and I wasn’t about to let that happen.

I did, however, in late middle and early high school, make some really good friends, most of whom I am still friends with to this day. I would be lying if I said the bullying has stopped entirely, or if I said I don’t still get hurt by others who hurt me. However, now, I know who I am and have my own sense of individuality and style, and know how to deal with all the hate. I listen to the music I want to now. I dress how I want now. I make my own decisions and control my own life now.

Through my struggles, I found who I am, and that I couldn’t live my life as a pushover, otherwise then I wouldn’t be living, and my entire life would be Hell. Do I still struggle with people in school? Yes, but not as badly. Do I now know how to stand up for myself? It was a hard lesson learned, but I do. Do I blame my grandmother for all the pain I suffered due to how she raised me? I know that while most of what I went through in terms of bullying originates from her raising me to be overly passive and to never stand up against others, however I don’t blame her. I thank her. If it weren’t for her raising me to be too passive, or for my years of suffering trial and error, or nearly losing myself in an attempt to fit in with the crowd, then I know for facts I would not be where I am now. Do I regret any of the things of my past? If you had asked Freshman year me this, She would have said yes. However, now, I don’t. Why don’t I regret it? Because for all I know, if I hadn’t have learned my lesson when I did, I wouldn’t be standing up for myself now, or I may even still be a pushover if I hadn’t straightened out when I did.

Cover Image: “Who am I?” by Esellee is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.