Mistakes Were Made

During my childhood, lots of people have described me as being hardworking. I was told that even though I can fall behind pace, especially in school, there is no way I will ever fail because I “work too hard” to catch up. But sometimes, the attempt to keep pushing is worse than not doing anything. I learned this recently after I made a mistake and pushed myself to work a 12-hour CNA shift while developing a sickness.

Whilst I was at school, I received a message from my mom saying that my older brother and stepfather both have the flu. My mom advised me to not come back home, but offered that I go stay with my father, so that I didn’t catch anything before my long weekend of long shifts. But of course, I became stubborn and told her “I have too much work mom, and all of my stuff is at home. I HAVE to come home.” She told me to enter at my own risk, and I did. I spent the rest of the week healthy, and caring for my family. The sickness, which was later identified as RSV, struck the Kronstrand household. My 5 year-old brother, Jack, was the sickest. So while my mom was comforting him, I was running errands, babysitting, making dinner, etc. We still believed his fever of 104 was a result of the flu, and I was the last one with no symptoms. “I can’t call out, everybody would be stressed and short-staffed. The work I do is important!” I told my mom. She was still worried I would get my patients sick, but I didn’t listen.

Sunday morning, I lept out of my bed, starting to feel more fatigued than normal. I pushed back all of the thoughts of illness, put on my scrubs, and left for my shift. Halfway through my shift, I quickly realized how much it hurt to talk. Which I figured was ‘normal’ because of my units Covid outbreak, where we had to speak louder so our patients and coworkers could hear us through our new N-95’s. Once the pain became quite unbearable, I asked a nurse for some relief. I knew that there was no way that I could go home, which is why I am so grateful that medicine and lozenges got me through the rest of the shift. I was so excited to leave, so I packed up my things quickly, and clocked out. But I had no idea what would be in store for me on my trip home.

Leaving the hospital, I felt like I was on an adrenaline high, just staying awake by my large caffeine intake and the promise of sleep in the coming hours. I called my mom on the way to my car in the parking lot, just conversing about our days. I was already telling her my plan for the week, including all of my meetings, projects, assignments, etc. and how I was going to get it all done. Like usual, my mother began lecturing me, saying that “You’re taking on too much! You’re going to burnout and breakdown! I’m worried about you”. These calls have become a habit between my mom and I when I work late at night, so that I’m not alone walking in the dark and I keep my mind occupied. I told her that since I wasn’t feeling well, I had to get off the phone so I could get home quicker.

The beginning of my drive home was quite seamless. I was ‘jamming’ out to Taylor Swift, as I do almost every time I drive. I was driving around a slight curve in the road, and had to quickly turn off my high beams due to an oncoming vehicle. Turning off my high beams was another mistake because as soon as the oncoming car passed, a young deer ran out behind it. The deer continued its journey by ramming into the side of my small Nissan Altima.

After one long night of hazard lights, missing deer, police cars, and crying, I finally was able to go home and rest. Looking back, I realized that if I would’ve called out the moment I started to feel ill, or even left early, the chances of being hit by that deer would’ve been lessened by the butterfly effect. From this I have learned that if you don’t stop at your work boundaries, the world will find a way to stop you itself.

“Deer Crossing” by Skyfisher is licensed under CC BY 2.0.