Hard Lessons to Learn

Sixteen years ago my parents made the decision to get a divorce. Growing up in a divorced family is not easy, especially when you’re not close to one of your parents. My entire life, I was never close to my father. I always hated being with him and having to see him. We fought all the time and just never got along. Things got even worse when he married my stepmom. At first I loved her, but after a short amount of time it was obvious that I was just her husband’s child. It was very clear that she, and her mother, didn’t think of me as part of their family, and it became even more obvious as time went on. 

When I think back and remember memories with my father, I sometimes think of the time that we went looking in the old burned down brick mill in the woods. Or the time we went fishing on Sebago Lake and found a cliff under the water while swimming. Or the time we went to the stream that we called “Kaity’s Island”. But most of the time I think about how many times I threw myself on the floor screaming “I don’t want to go to Daddy’s”. And when I would ask to go home early because I missed Mommy and he told me I had to stay for the whole weekend. And every time I would ask him to play with me and he told me he was too tired and played his video games instead. And every time I would sing, hum, tap my foot, dance, or play the piano and he told me to stop because he had a migraine and then watch a movie a few minutes later. 

My father isn’t a “bad” guy, just not someone I wanted in my life. Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted him out of my life, to never have to see or talk to him again. The summer after I turned twelve years old, my mom hired a lawyer to end the visitation schedule. I was planning to testify in court, in front of my father, and tell the judge just how much I hated being with him. Everything, well almost everything, changed that August. My father and stepmom sat me down in my grandmother’s living room and told me I was going to be a big sister. I went home crying that night, faced with the hardest decision of my life. Finally get my father out of my life, or have a relationship with the sister I’ve always wanted. 

I chose to stay. I didn’t want Maddy to have to grow up without me. I didn’t want her to have to face the same struggles with our father without someone by her side. I knew choosing to stay was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be. I was forced to have a relationship with my father so that I could have a relationship with my sister. In the beginning, it wasn’t too bad. We still didn’t get along but we had Maddy to focus on and distract us from our problems. I actually think that the first year of Maddy’s life was the year we got along the most. But it wasn’t because we “got along”, it was because we both just kept our mouths shut. 

Shortly after Maddy turned one, my and Dad’s relationship started going downhill again. We couldn’t even be in the same room together for a couple of hours without one getting upset at the other for something. Very quickly I learned that he and I were never going to get along, so I learned to just stay quiet and not talk to him if something was bothering me so that we didn’t end up fighting. I didn’t want Maddy to grow up seeing us fight the same way I grew up seeing my parents fight. I wanted to keep the peace for her, so I just kept all of my feelings to myself. The few times I did try to talk to him if something was bothering me, we would end up in a screaming match over the phone until he would hang up on me. The following conversation usually resulted in a three hour phone call about how I am wrong to feel the way I do and that I am disrespectful and a bad influence on my sister. And every time we would get in even just a disagreement, not a fight – just a difference of opinions, he would hold Maddy over my head and tell me I wasn’t allowed to see her until I apologized to him.

Now don’t get me wrong, the three and a half years I had with my sister weren’t all bad. I have tons of amazing memories with her. Like how I was the first person to ever hold her and she looked up at me and squeezed my finger and smiled at me. When I taught her how to walk. When I took her to her first amusement park and went multiple times every year with her. How I taught her to roller skate. How I would sing to her every night before she fell asleep. How she would crinkle her nose every time she laughed and would laugh so hard she would give herself hiccups. When every time I would go somewhere with her someone would stop to tell me my daughter is adorable. I love my sister with all my heart. I practically raised her. She spent just as much time at my house and sometimes even more than she spent at her parent’s house. I loved every moment I had with her and I would not trade that time or those memories for the world. 

On the outside my life looked great, but on the inside I felt like I was drowning. I was miserable having to practically share custody of my sister. I wanted her with me all the time but that obviously wasn’t possible. I couldn’t go visit her at her house because Dad and I would just argue. Every time I gave her back I would cry for days. When I had Maddy, I was always anxious about giving her back and when I didn’t have her I was always depressed. I was stuck in the cycle of anxiety and depression constantly. And just when I thought this situation couldn’t get any worse, it did. 

After Maddy’s third birthday, my health started to deteriorate. I was having a bunch of random health issues and didn’t know what was going on. I tried to see if it would get better over time thinking it was Long Covid but my symptoms weren’t adding up. Not only did I feel terrible mentally and emotionally, but also physically. And my father never even acted like he cared. He thought it was all in my head or that I was making it up for attention. 

I was at a breaking point. I was physically struggling as my health was getting worse and I was starting to also get sick from the stress of the entire situation. I was having a hard time taking care of Maddy because of my health and needed my mom to help me a lot. I was mentally and emotionally struggling knowing my father thought I was a bad influence on Maddy and that I didn’t turn out to be the daughter he wanted and that I was a disappointment and that I was making my health issues up. I knew that continuing to have a relationship with my father wasn’t healthy for me. I knew I had to cut him out if I wanted to feel better and be happy again. But I didn’t know if I could leave Maddy. I mean, she was my world! How could I just walk away from her like that? 

I was miserable! I didn’t know what to do. Would I be causing Maddy lifelong abandonment issues if I walked away? Would I ever be able to forgive myself for leaving her? Was I going to regret it and want a relationship with her again but Dad wouldn’t let me? Could I ever be happy in the situation we had now? Was I going to continue to get sicker if I stayed? Would I be able to stop myself from going down the dark hole of being terribly depressed no matter what choice I chose? I went back and forth for months, not knowing what to do. That was until my father showed me exactly how important I was to him, or should I say not important. I dropped Maddy off at his house one night and he showed me his tattoo that he got five months earlier for the first time. He got a tattoo with his household family’s names, and put my name at the bottom out of obligation, even though I was the first person in his family that came into his life. It may seem like a silly reason to end a relationship, but I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I don’t regret choosing to stay in the relationship so I could see Maddy. If I had to go back and had the option to walk away or do it all over again, I would do it all over again. My sister means everything to me and although there was a lot of pain, there was also more happiness than I had ever experienced before. 

I do regret not putting myself first though. I fell behind in school and almost failed every year because I was too busy taking care of her and I would stay home to watch her because no one else could and I didn’t have time to do my schoolwork. I would stay up with her all night when she was sick and become sick myself. I would call out of work to spend more time with her, creating issues between my manager and me. I gained a bunch of weight because I didn’t have the time or the energy to work out and make myself healthy snacks and meals and would just eat something quick (and unhealthy) when I had her. 

I wish I would have learned to stand up for myself to my father. He always belittled me and I let him. Part of me knew that what he thought of me was not true, but part of me believed him so I never said anything because I didn’t want to fight. 

I wish I would have been able to be a teenager. Maddy was born when I was thirteen and I immediately took on a mother role and the responsibilities. I didn’t go out with my friends to the beach or to the movies because I was always with Maddy and if I wasn’t with Maddy I was working or trying to get caught up in school. 

I wish I would have just been her sister. I am her sister, not her mom. I did not have to be responsible for her. But I thought I did. I thought I needed to be responsible for her because no one else was. Had I learned this sooner, it would have been a lot easier to walk away.

I ended the relationship in April of 2022. Since then, I was able to get a diagnosis for my health issues and my doctor assured me that my symptoms were real and not just in my head. Between medications and lifestyle changes, I am now feeling almost back to my normal self. I was able to come off of my anxiety medication since my father was the one causing all of my anxiety. I am putting myself first now. I eat healthy (well, healthier. I still love my chips and popcorn and ice cream), stay hydrated, exercise, get a full night’s sleep, and do things that make me happy like reading and singing. I am happy and no longer struggle with my depression. 

I am thankful that I was able to spend three and a half years with my sister. But I can honestly and very happily say that walking away and ending the relationship with my father was the best decision that I have ever made.

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