deja vu

i like stickers. lisa frank, which are the really colorful ones, hello kitty (which i now call sanrio since there are a whole slew of characters i now know about and love so much!!!) my little pony, and random cute stickers i find. i also really like the puffy ones. growing up i had a really bulging bag of them. and now i have a whole drawer full. many of them are the old ones from my childhood. but im too scared to use some since i want to just have them. but that’s the point of stickers, to use them. 

my favorite color crayon is purple. NOT the indigo one. when i was in pre-k my favorite color was still purple. and i picked up a purple crayon to color in the bus. it was indigo. not purple. i was angry. purple and indigo are two totallyyyy different colors, so why do they have the same wrapping? it was so. stupid. i should have looked at the label but i didnt. so now every time i wanna use a purple crayon, i have to look. because i am scarred for life. 

when i bought a retro my little pony coloring book, clearly i had to get crayons. the best option seemed like the 2 packs of a 24 count of crayons. but now i regret it, and think i shoulda spent the money on a bigger pack which has more colors. because this 24 pack has like 5 blues and 3 pinks but only one purple!! (indigo doesnt count) and it makes me soooo upset!! theres no way i can express myself through only one shade of purple!! but i guess thats kind of how its always been.

when i was in grade school i wanted to be cool, so i said my favorite color was blue (which was a lie), baby blue is my third favorite color. but its not my favorite color. and now i dont care what people think of my favorite color. (probably a bit weird if someone did judge me for it) my favorite color is purple. then pink. then blue. most people my age, in my surroundings, dress mostly in like brown or white or black. in like or jeans and sweats, black tank tops or white sweaters. (when i was little i was worried id never grow out of bright colors and patterns) and i wear this stuff too. but i like other things more. pink skirts, a wavy pink, purple, lace dress. a pink my melody beanie with the little dangling things (they have flowers at the end). mirajane shoes and oversized cute character shirts. GIANT oversized hoodies and fuzzy animal socks. i like a lot of things. a lot of styles. and if i was rich rich, id have wayyyyy more clothes, even cuter stuff then i have now. and especially where i live theres not many people who like or have the same fashion sense as i do, so it can cause a lottttt of staring. it gets annoying and gives me anxiety (but ill get over it, i think…)

im a picky eater and my whole family knows it. and everyyyy time i have to say its not my fault. i dont choose not to like foods, my tastebuds and body just say blehhh!!! i dont like seafood (except for fried fish). i hate vegetables (broccoli is fine unless its steamed). the last time i ate olives was when i was 4. i threw up. i dont like dark meat. i dont like cheese unless its on pizza or mozzarella string cheese or a certain kind of american. i dont like mustard. i dont like savory fruits (tomatoes, bell peppers ect.) i dont like beans. i dont like coffee or coffee flavored things. i dont like cold subs or deli meat. i dont like hotdogs or pepperoni or sausage or kielbasa. i dont like anything i consider game-y meats like deer or moose or lamb. what i like is candy, chocolates and gummies. i like pasta, chips, and bread (only white.) i like dry chicken and dry burgers. ill order chicken tenders and fries before trying something new. and i looove my mummys cooking (unless it has too much pepper, or has vegetables, or seafood, or shrimp paste, or anchovies, or its sour, or tastes weird.) its harder to eat healthier because of my limited options, sometimes i hate myself for it.

i like emojis. like.. the cute ones. obvs.  :] >:) :0 :,(( (=^･ω･^=) ʕ •ᴥ• ʔ o(≧▽≦)o (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ o(TヘTo) some iphone emojis are fine. but they’re not as good. sometimes i think of  sending the kaomojis with my texts then wonder if the person im sending it to will think im weird. or too childish. (both of those are true but for some reason scare me)

i still like shows and movies that are aimed towards little kids. when i was little i adored my little pony, but was embarrassed about it because i thought i was too old for it. but now, again, im watching it, and i still love it- to a certain extent. i love the generations i grew up with- 3 and 4. but a new generation came out, and i cant stand it. i think i tend to judge things like this a lot, maybe its because it’s not what i wanted it to be, or maybe thats just the general consensus, that most people dont like it. when i was little i had some my little pony toys. but once i deemed it weird, even though i so badly wanted to keep them, i gave them away. and now years later, i hate myself for it. and so here i am looking far and wide for the toys i used to once own, having to spend my own “adult” money for these silly little toys that i once had for free. 

• triple treat (has to have the crown) (gen 3)
• rainbow dash (with the name on the cutie mark) (gen 3)
• my little pony ponyville carrying case that comes with rainbow dash mini figure (gen 3.5) 
• princess sterling and fluttershy (gen 4)
• rainbow dash mini figure (accidentally stolen) (gen 3.5)
• my little pony meet the ponies movie (gen 3)
• rainbow dash glimmer wings (gen 4)
• rarity glimmer wings (gen 4)

i think my vocabulary is fairly normal. though sometimes when talking i become acutely aware of the words im gonna to say, and that i should probably change the way i say them, in fear of judgment. blankie, stuffies, tummy- variants of words i used when i was little, but i never really changed the way i said them (or rather never really wanted to), blanket, stuffed animals, stomach. this also includes the way i text or type, summ (something), thankies (thanks), lit rally (literally), wanna (want to), don (dont), prolly (probably). i like the way these words sound better then what i would call the more literate(?) version. 

i tell myself a lot to not dote on things i cant change or that had already happened. but for some reason, i cant get over this. theres some part of me that cant forgive myself for this completely normal action of giving away old items. i want to collect all the toys that are cute, and all the gen 3 movies that ive never had, and all the seasons of generation four, even the ones ive already watched. i cant seem to let go. and i dont see myself doing so in the near future. ive never been able to see myself as an adult. and liking these things doesnt make it any easier.

Featured Image: “Cute stuff and hello kitty stickers” by ♥ KawaiiCloud ♥ is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.