You Make Me Safer

Dear Man in the Shadows,

Thanks for always instilling fear in me. Although I have never seen you, you have made me grip my pepper spray harder, be more aware of my surroundings, and fear the unknown. In a way, you make me safer. I’m more prepared to fight you off, to make my getaway. Even though my fears may seem dramatic and far-fetched, many other women are scared of you, or have even been hurt by you. You seem to be at an advantage, ruling and occupying our minds, without even needing any confrontation. 

So thank you. Thank you for keeping me on edge. Thank you for making me turn on my flashlight to check underneath my car and in my backseat making sure you are nowhere to be found. Thank you for making me scared of living in a big city. Thank you for making me scared of and defensive towards other men in my life. Because you could be anyone. You could be my neighbor, a stranger, a coworker, or even a friend. You could be my biggest nightmare, if only brought to light. 

I pray we never meet,

Girl walking alone

Dear Mom, 

Thank you for always being there. For always dropping everything to make sure I’m okay. Thank you for answering my calls, at the most random times, because as we’ve learned, when I call you in the middle of a work day, things are usually never pleasant (car accidents, casual almost-muggings). Even your silence on the phone as I walk through a dark parking lot to my car, just reminds me that I’m not alone. 

Also, thank you for gifting me a hot pink pepper spray in my Christmas stocking. It is one of my greatest protectors. Throughout all of my adolescent years, you have been open and honest with me about quite everything, making real life circumstances more manageable. Having to have tough conversations, telling me like it is, and exposing the scary but real parts of the world. I am grateful that you taught me about the dark, so I will never have to face it alone. You make being a woman not so scary.

Thank you for everything. I love you,

Your Juju-Bee

Dear Parking-Lot Lamp Post, 

I am writing to thank you for all of your hard work, each night shift. You consistently shine, and allow my car to take refuge under your bright light. Your light reminds me of a lighthouse, whose sole purpose is to send warning of incoming rocky shores. The way you shine down on my car leaves nothing to the imagination, warding off and repelling any predators from attack. I wanted to send my deepest gratitude for keeping the path lit for me as I make my way to my car, so I can return safely the next morning. 

May your light never flicker, 

Your Favorite CNA

Dear Life360,

Thank you for finding your way onto my phone’s homepage. Was I the one who installed you? Nope. Not even close. But do I find myself more appreciative of you as time goes on? Possibly, but I would hate to admit it. I do like that my family knows where I am, as long as my phone is charged. I’m appreciative that you have my back, if something were to happen. That’s why my mom installed you, because bad things happen everyday, I’m sure you have seen it. Heck, you detect car crashes and track missing people all of the time! That’s your job I suppose. I wish I was able to delete you, to gain some form of independence, but in reality I would honestly feel a little guilty. My mom just wants to keep me safe, and as a teenage girl who works downtown, I understand her fears. 

So… I guess you’re here to stay for a while. While I may not love you, and sometimes feel like someone is watching my every move, I would rather you keep me safe than the alternative.

You’re pretty cool I guess,

The girl in the Nissan Altima

Dear 7 year old Julia, 

Thank you. You may not yet understand how important you are to present-me, but that is okay. You may also be freaking out over what’s going to happen to the family, and why dad is moving out. Which is understandable, but probably the best thing he could’ve ever done. You may be questioning how that can be possible, but you have no idea what’s to come. 

You soon will learn the harsh realities of the world. Slapped with responsibility, and forced to grow to maturity. You have to be the wise one to survive. You have to give dating advice to your parents (ewww!) and wait by their beds to make sure they come home safe. You will constantly be scared that your mom was assaulted or kidnapped on a date because it is taking her a little bit longer than normal to come home. They will try to hide some things from you, which is fine because you won’t be able to fully trust their significant others anyways. But after you see their sad emotions start to show, you can tell that whatever relationships they have don’t ever really last. Do they ever really last? Do people ever fully trust each other? Honestly, I’m still trying to figure that one out. 

Seeing this scary side of the world at such a young age will definitely shape your childhood. But that isn’t all a bad thing! For instance, I am pursuing medicine like we always dreamed! All of my coworkers thought that I was in my mid 20’s when I first met them. They told me that I just ‘acted mature’. But all of this maturity isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, obviously. Sometimes psychiatric patients will freak out on you, and you will be forced to protect yourself and run. Not only are you going to be nervous around most men in your life, never fully letting them in, you are constantly going to be nervous on your walks in the dark after work. 

While all of this may be very new and scary information, I want to let you know that you will be okay. You’re doing everything right. You are going to grow up to be a supportive, wise, somewhat intelligent, and independent woman. And that is definitely something to be proud of. So even though the world can open up to be pretty dark and cruel, if you take every measure that your mom and social media prepares you with, and follow them by heart, you will survive. 

Have fun kid, 

17 year old Julia

Featured Image: “parking lot at night [1226]” by brianjmatis is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.