Laughter To Dry The Tears

As a person who has only known pain for most of her life, laughter was never something I truly knew, even from other people in my household. Instead, what should have been laughter was replaced by my family members screaming profanities at each other. And what should have been making happy memories that I’d cherish forever was replaced by endless rivers of tears and wondering why I had to go through all this pain.

To make matters worse for me, I underwent severe bullying in school, and was tormented every day by my peers. So neither home nor school gave me a break, and worked together to make pain all I ever really knew growing up.

Having no reasons to smile or laugh, not having friends there for me, and my family not believing me or belittling my experiences, I eventually spiraled down into depression, and felt I was lost with no way out, even at an age where I should have been too young to understand it all. I may not have known what depression was, but I knew I had it. And yes, I do still struggle with it sometimes.

But despite all of this suffering I went through, I stayed strong. I made friends and an amazing boyfriend who I know always have my back whenever I need them, and who can make me smile on my darkest days. I also found healthy coping mechanisms in the form of hobbies that make me happy, and learned lessons from all my pain I have experienced in life.

In all of those happy things in my life, I have managed to find reasons to smile and laugh despite my pain.

Hobbies I have are mainly visual and performing arts; music primarily. Music has always been a solution, and one thing I knew would always make sense to me no matter how confusing my life got. Dad and his exes arguing? Listen to music. Stressed to the point it’s hard to breathe? Listen to music. Chaos around me giving me a migraine? Listen to music. Need to just shut the world out and take a break from everyone and everything? Listen to music. Amidst every ounce of pain I experienced, music has always been there, and I knew it would never leave or betray me like other’s did. Given all this, it has also helped me discover what career I want in the future.

My best friend has also never ceased to make me laugh, and been there for me any time I have ever needed somebody. She always makes me smile and laugh whenever we hang out or are in the same room. Her and I have such a close-knit friendship that we have a bond almost like that of one that sisters have. Expanding on that, her family treats me as a member of the family as well, which makes me even happier. It is a complete opposite to my home life in the past, where it was abusive, and the present, where it is controlling. Having a familial bond with not only my friend, but also her family, has made me smile multiple times. And her family also supports me better than my own family, in all honesty. My family despises the fact I see her family as a second family, which makes me prefer my friend’s family even more. Instead of controlling me, they let me learn through experience, and instead of critiquing everything about me and forcing opinions on me, they support me in what I do, which is a very big contrast between mine and my best friend’s families respectively.

I also have my boyfriend. Albeit, he’s in Ohio, but he always is there for me despite the distance between us. He comforts me when I need it, picks up on habits I have whenever I’m feeling down or anxious, and addresses those habits and makes me always aware he’s there for me. He always makes me happy, smile until my face hurts, laugh until I can’t breathe, etc… He has shown me happiness than anyone in my life, and he is one of the very few people in life who I know would never hurt me, along with Hailey and her family, and a select few other people.

My best friend and boyfriend probably know more about me than my own family, or even people who claim they’re closest to me. They’ve given me back my genuine sense of happiness, and the smile that years of pain and tears took away.

Nearly 18 years later, I am still working on becoming happier every day, even through dark times, and am trying to become the best version of myself to overcome the post-traumatic stresses and pain from my adverse childhood experiences. I’m lucky enough to have people who support me and help me find the laughter to dry the tears.

“Tears never dry fast enough” by zubrow is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.