The Worst Best Four Years of My Life

Who is more important? My health, or a child who’s not mine? Will I regret this? Is this a mistake? What if this ruin’s her? What if this ruin’s me? What do I do? These are just some of the questions going through my mind.

I have an almost five-year-old sister. I took her in when she was a baby because her parents didn’t want to take care of her. She is my world. Her name is Madalynn but I call her Maddy. She is like a daughter to me. I raised her for almost four years. I taught her everything she knows. My family adopted her into their lives as one of their own. We all loved her so much, and still do.

Things were not as simple as they seemed though, and not many people in my life knew this. I put on a smile every day to hide the pain I was going through. Only those closest to me knew what was truly going on.

My father was verbally and emotionally abusive. He was manipulative and would use Maddy against me. He would tell me over and over again that I couldn’t see Maddy if he didn’t like what I said. He would keep her from me until I “agreed” he was right. He would say things about me that weren’t true, and say very hurtful things to me thinking nothing wrong with it.

I was struggling with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. My meds weren’t working for me. Because of the stress, my medical condition was getting worse and worse. I was miserable, but I knew that Maddy needed me to take care of her. I knew she needed someone to show her love, and someone to care for her. I knew the situation I was in was unhealthy but I couldn’t bring myself to walk away.

The day finally came when I knew I could not do it anymore. I have always been a very happy person and when I looked into the mirror or saw myself in photos, it’s like I was looking at someone else. This person that I was looking at wasn’t me. I was always angry, and snapping at everyone that talked to me. I was exhausted, and had dark circles around my eyes. I had gained a bunch of weight from stress eating. But what stuck out to me the most was my eyes. They looked empty. It was like I was looking at a shell of the person I once was. I had lost my sparkle, my happy-go-lucky smile.

The day before I walked away, I cried all day. I couldn’t decide what to do. I saw the path I was going down. I knew I needed to end the relationship with my dad, but I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing Maddy anymore. I went back and forth. I kept asking myself if she would be okay. Would she forgive me? Will I regret walking away? Is this going to cause her lifelong problems? Will my depression get worse from not seeing her? Could I ever be happy without her in my life?

I knew what I needed to do, I just didn’t want to do it. I needed to put myself first. When I finally told my father that I could not have a relationship with him anymore, he told me I was not allowed to see Maddy. I went five months without her. After five months, I started to question if I made the right decision. Maybe I should have tried harder. Should I bring him to counseling? Even if I have a relationship with him again will he let me see Maddy?

Let’s just say that walking away was the best decision I could have ever made! I ran into them six months after I walked away and they proved to me that I did the right thing. Maddy was okay. She missed me, but she was doing good with them. He on the other hand made it very clear that I was no longer a part of his family. He wanted nothing to do with me.

To this day, I am so thankful that I walked away. I was able to get out of that dark hole I was in and no longer need my anxiety or depression medication. My health had gotten better. I am happy again, and back to my fun, carefree personality. And most importantly, I got my sparkle back. My eyes are not empty anymore, but rather full of life and happiness.

I still ask myself if Maddy will be okay. If she’ll have abandonment issues once she grows up. If she’ll understand why I walked away. But right now, I am just happy for the time I got to spend with her, and for everything that this decision has taught me.

Photo Credit to: “Quotes about depression on pain is inevitable” by praba_tuty is marked with Public Domain Mark 1.0.