Ma speech, waasup?

I debated for a while about what this speech should be about. I went through all the ideas, whether to make it satirical, or unique in some way, or make it another cookie-cutter boring commencement address. I decided to just tell the truth. I’ve done the absolute bare minimum since day one. School just never really sat well with me. The day in day out monotony, unpaid labor, and pointless stress just really conflicted with me and how my mind works. I always wanted to do the work on time but my brain just wouldn’t let me. The second I pull out my laptop it just shuts down, blank thoughts. I can’t see it in any other way than wasted time. But I did it anyway because our society demands a high school diploma for any real measure of respect or credibility, so I guess it’s not a waste right? As my teachers say. So here I am, reading this speech aloud to you, hoping it’s good enough to pass, so I can escape with my piece of paper, and a handshake, feeling good about how I spent the last 14 years of my life. 

There were some good times, the winning football games, the fun moments with friends, etc. I’d like to thank my teachers for grading all my assignments even though I turned them all in in the last two weeks of the semester. Really helped me out in that regard. You may notice, that I’m reading this rather slowly. That is in an attempt to lengthen this speech to the proper length to pass. Oh, I’d also like to thank anyone who ever lent me a pen or pencil, I promise I meant to give it back if I didn’t. I’d also like to thank Mr. Aliberti for directing the traffic at the end of the day, that used to be a nightmare. I’d like to thank any teachers that heard me swear and didn’t say anything about it, that was cool. And finally… I’d like to thank the Indian guys on youtube who teach you math, better than any teacher could.

That is not the end of my speech! Because it’s not long enough yet. What else is there to talk about… I mean, this year’s English curriculum really weirded me out. Personally, I don’t think Shakespeares all that good. Maybe I’m not smart enough to like him, I don’t know… Josh, the fact that you played all that football with the arm injury will always freak me out, I hope you know that. I hope your here today, otherwise saying that to an empty seat would be weird. 

Graduation, for many of you, will probably be the last time we see each other, or at least I’ll see you. If all goes according to plan you’ll see me in some magazines or something, me saying that now will be a really cool memory for you all if that does happen. Closing out this address I’d like to thank you all for listening to the nonsense I had to say. Thats it. That’s the speech. Goodbye.

“Megan’s Graduation | 3” by Will Folsom is licensed under CC BY 2.0.