Trapped Within Myself

I can’t just choose a specific time when I felt like I stood out because, throughout my entire life, I have always felt different. My mom has always known I was different from my sisters. She doesn’t mean it in a bad way; I think she might even mean it in a good way. I’ve never partied, never gotten in serious trouble with boys and stuff, etc, unlike my sisters. My sisters have always done well in school, but I have always done poorly. I get in trouble with the teachers, and I don’t do my work like I should. I’m more well-behaved now that I’m older but I remember usually getting yelled at after getting off the bus at home, and always being sent to my room. Something about me has always set me apart from others, and people make sure to let me know by calling me “weird”. Day after day, year after year, my curiosity about myself doesn’t subside. I am constantly trying to figure out what’s different or even, “wrong” with me. Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I be like them? Why am I so sensitive? Why can I never stay on task? And so on.

I’m also always drawn to the “weird” people, as well as the misbehaved people. I get along with them the most. It’s very normal to be drawn to the people you mostly relate to and share the same energy with. The difference between being around people who are bad influences is being able to make your own decisions and not giving in to the things they’re doing. In my experience, the bad influences are always the kindest people. They will never peer pressure you, make fun of how you look, get you in trouble, etc. They are just misunderstood. They’re different, they’re “weird”, and they stand out, just like me.

Growing up, my family has always told me that I’m intelligent. I have always been very intuitive and inquisitive and was the first to raise my hand in class and ask all the questions. My mom said to me that when I was little, I asked her why the sun comes up and goes down. She said that it’s because there needs to be night and day, and I said “But WHY?” I am always wanting to know the “nitty-gritty” of everything. Last year in LRTC, I kept asking all these questions that had to make everyone think, and my teacher said, “Alright that’s enough out of you Delaney.” Of course, it was being said in a joking way, but it made me realize that I never see anyone else asking all the questions and trying to find actual answers. It’s almost like I was in a class full of NPCs because they just did what was asked and never questioned anything, like a robot. I feel very different in that way. Life for me feels like a dystopian, and everything is fake. I have had very bad depersonalization for years. I never feel “real” and I never know what I look like. When I look in the mirror, I feel like someone else and like the body I have, isn’t mine. I once asked my coworkers if they’ve ever forgotten what they look like or who they are and all (at least 4 people) said “no”. I was very taken aback by their response because I thought that was normal.

I have recently realized that I unintentionally mask. Masking is a term for autistic people, but I don’t have autism and I mask as well. It means to cover your real personality and to act “normal”. It’s used to feel normal or neurotypical and to not be seen as weird. I do think that a lot of people do this. And I have recently realized that I “unmask” around my best friend, Mateja. I am myself around a couple of other friends, but only to a certain extent. I contain myself when I feel that I’m acting too strange around them. I think this is because I’m afraid of them leaving and disliking me, but I know that Mateja won’t leave because she always expresses how much she doesn’t like other people and how she can’t ever see her life without me in it. I know my family won’t leave but I never unmask around them, and I’m not sure why.

I have always been very introverted. My friends and family know this and can see it. I am so grateful that people don’t take it personally when I want to be alone. Most of the time I would rather be alone than with a partner. Like school projects, sports activities, doing something at work, etc. I always try to avoid hanging out with people 1 on 1 because it feels so awkward. I want to hang out with people in groups. I have more fun in groups than 1 on 1.

Once my mom realized that I hated going to parties with my extended family, we never went to one again. I felt like I was forced to socialize with people I didn’t even know. We never have get-togethers with extended family now, but when we did, we would have them at our house so I felt more comfortable. I love my immediate family so much, but after a while, I always go to my room. I disappear, and they let me because they know I don’t have a big social battery.

I am in the Olympia Snowe Women’s Leadership Institute and one of the exercises we had to do was list our values. One of my values was inclusivity. I constantly try to include others and if I don’t, I feel incredibly guilty. I was excluded a lot. It’s not as bad now, but I do have trauma from constantly being left out. Being left out makes you wonder why they didn’t choose you. It makes you wonder what the other people have that you don’t. This makes you feel different, and I know what it’s like to feel different, so I try hard to include others so they don’t have to feel that way.

Standing out from others can be traumatizing. If people don’t think it’s traumatizing, then they’ve never truly felt different. We all want to be “normal”, but normal is boring. Even if that’s corny, it’s true. The weird people are always the funniest, least boring, and just wholesome people to be around. Am I explaining myself? Maybe, but I’m also explaining the traits of people that feel different. I don’t let remarks about me being weird get to me as much anymore, because being weird gives you character and pizzazz.

“solitude and peace” by frannie60 is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.