Freshman Year

I have never really been able to fully accept that I am who I am. I am always trying to be presentable in some way. To show people what they want to see, and be who people want me to be. I have always felt different in every way.

In elementary school, I never really had friends, and that followed me through middle school. My freshman year is when everything really fell into place, at least that’s what I thought. My first day of 9th grade was terrifying. The school was so overwhelming and there were so many new people and teachers. Around 2 weeks into high school I was finally settling into my classes and the new flow of life. I met somebody in my PE class and was introduced to what would be my first real friends. We would hang out in and outside of school all the time and I felt comfortable with them until one day there was a new transfer student that was introduced to the group. Everybody loved her except me, but I didn’t want to open up about the off feeling that I felt about her. I felt like if I had told anyone that I didn’t like her then I would be kicked from the group. I was scared to lose the only friends I’d ever had. I was able to keep my feelings to myself for almost a month until I couldn’t anymore. I had told my closest friend that I had grown to absolutely hate the new girl. I couldn’t give a reason I just fully despised her. The next day, I walked into school and went to greet my friends and they just looked at me like I was a monster, like I had just done some despicable act right in front of them. I was confused so I asked “What’s wrong? You look like I just killed your puppy,” I gave an awkward chuckle afterward to try to lighten the mood. My best friend, who I thought I could trust with my life, looked at me and told me to leave and not to talk to any of them again. I broke. Her words stabbed through my heart like a dagger. I felt so betrayed, it was hard to breathe. I tried to keep my composure long enough to get to the bathroom. I sat down on the floor of the bathroom and just cried. I felt like the only people who actually cared about me saw me as nothing but a monster. I had never felt more alone in my life. It felt like I was back in middle school. I knew I’d have to go hide in the bathroom at lunchtime and avoid eye contact with anyone at all costs. I had to ignore the whispers in the halls. I was back to just trying to survive in school instead of thriving. My grades dropped and I ended up failing half of my classes at the end of the semester.

That was the moment that I felt most alone, excluded, and too different to be allowed to exist. I hope to never feel like that again. I try every day to make sure nobody feels the way I felt in this story.

“Reading alone, on a subway bench” by Ed Yourdon is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.