I didn’t just assume your gender, I couldn’t !

It was a normal weekend day of my childhood. I couldn’t be sure of my specific age, but I would have been anywhere between 10 – 13, the point is young, I was pretty young. Our family had a truckload of stuff around the house we wanted to get rid of. With everything boxed up and loaded into the flatbed of the truck, we took off to Goodwill. It was there chain location in Auburn, ME right in front of the Auburn Mall. We drove the truck around back where they took donations and loaded them into the storage room. As we began unloading things from the truck, an employee came outside from the storage area where we were supposed to be loading everything into and began helping. I think it so we would know where to brings things. However I had a question. One of the items we were giving away, I was unsure Goodwill would take because of some sort of regulations. So, naturally I walked over to ask the employee if they would be able to take it. Here is where the problem arose, being the proper English gentleman that I am, when talking to strangers I use the polite public pronouns: sir and ma’am. But at that moment I couldn’t properly “identify” the employee. So before I could even ask my real question I had to ask: “Excuse me, would you prefer sir or ma’am?”.

I know, already you would probably be saying “get over the fancy pronouns, just start with excuse me.” However keep in mind, my age and the fact that the whole “Did you just assume my gender?” meme was not a huge thing back then and I wasn’t going to be rude about it, I just wanted to clear up a bit of confusion. I stuttered in my head over and over, walking over to ask the question, trying to walk as slowly as possible so “it” would not be alerted to my presence early and turn around to engage in conversation that would start and end with an awkward stare while I was trying to spit out what I was trying to ask without having formal time to properly analyze what was about to come out of my mouth. Before she could even acknowledge that I was waiting for her attention to ask the question I turned around, walked back to my father, and whispered into his ear “Hey dad, I need to ask that employee a question but I don’t know if it is a sir or ma’am, should I or could I ask?” Immediately my father could see the possible problem to ensue. My father has always been the mannerly compassionate type in public, always trying to avoid any conflict or agitating others. He knew he would have to answer strategically, so I could pursue the following problem respectfully. I could see the look on his face, I know his concern. He quickly responded with great composure, “Oh, nooo, just forget that and ask your real question about what you had to give them.”. So, I did and like some dumb kid lost in the mall I looked up to “it” and started with “Excuse me.” instead of using the gentlemanly and proper pronouns, sir and ma’am. We continued doping off the rest of the boxes and then left Goodwill, proceeding to head home, concluding this story.

So I didn’t end up asking the gender of the individual and possibly begin WWIII amongst the LGBT vs the rest of humanity. But I think there is something valuable to learn here. I could continue making jokes about “it’s” possible melt down if asked the question but I could have also been greeted by a soft and gentle chuckle followed up with “It’s fine, I am actually a _insert_preferred_gender_here_.”. The fact is most people of LGBT community just want live out their lives in society just any other man or woman, get a job, pay their taxes, and all the other parts of society. It would be wrong to assume that they all want to be under some spotlight forever. Personally, I think the employee helping us seemed like that type, kind, considerate, patient, and understanding of her changes and want to move on in “it’s” life. Yes, I do understand there is the occasional SJW nutcase looking to feast on the blood of young white straight males, telling us to constantly check our privilege. My message for anyone out there, transgender or not, if you make it some what difficult for somebody else to immediately identify your gender, please have the heart and soul to allow them to ask the question, “Male or female?”. However, for all of us non-LGBT members, don’t just look for the bulge and use that as the prime identification for the used pronoun, look at them and what you really think they really want to be called. If it is an honest mistake, yes, OK, but don’t force your identity politics down their throat, because after all we have much more important things to be asking and talking about.

Photo by Divine in the Daily on Foter.com / CC BY-ND