Kissing High School Goodbye

Katy Perry once said, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again.” and never have I related more to something in my life when thinking about my high school experience. Freshman year I strutted my way through those brown doors of Oak Hill High School thinking “These are going to be the most fun years of my life” and let me tell you, I have never been more wrong. My plastic bag feeling started in 9th grade when I learned what real friends were. I will never forget walking into Mr. Luchini’s room in tears because I just heard one of my so called “friends” tell someone they would kill themselves if they had acne like me. A week later I found out a group of my friends had also nicknamed me “pimple tits” because of my acne so yeah, there I was, a freshman in high school with the self esteem of a plastic bag. 

Fast forward a few years and I still feel like that. If I could start again, there are many different choices I would make, starting with friends. Some of the friends I chose growing up were amazing and others did nothing but impact my life in a negative manner. For the ones who were amazing, and the ones that still stick around, I thank the Lord for every night. I am blessed to have and have had such true people in my life, but also I kick myself for letting some of the best friendships I have ever had slip or grow distant. If I could start again, I would’ve held those I loved a little tighter and longer. Other “friends” I had who impacted my life in a less than kind fashion, like those who decided calling me “pimple tits” was alright, I wish I had excised from my life when I met them. I didn’t need fake friends, or many friends, I needed true friends, and if I had the opportunity to start again, I wouldn’t feel the need to try to impress or be friends with toxic people. People who didn’t give me the love back that I gave them didn’t deserve my friendship, and I wish I had figured that out sooner. 

Another action I would take if I could start again is getting help sooner. Being an independent person, I have always struggled with asking for help. It took until half way through senior year for me to accept that I was not okay, and had to rely on another person to aid me. As I was drifting through the wind, or the halls of Oak Hill and life in general, friends started dissipating, along with my social abilities and I started to become depressed. I knew I was struggling but refused to admit to myself that I needed help. Two years of untreated depression later, and I had truly thrown my mental and physical health out the window. I wish I could go back and tell myself it would be okay, or that starving myself won’t take the pain away, that taking large doses of melatonin every night because I was too anxious to sleep was not the way to go, but I don’t have the opportunity to tell myself that. I live every day with scars, stretch marks, and demons in the form of memories that were caused by my depression. If I could start again, I would tell myself it’s okay to talk to someone, and maybe I could’ve gotten my antidepressants sooner, and not have made some of the choices I now look back and regret. 

Comparing myself to a plastic bag is probably one of the nicer things I have compared myself to. High school really forced me to have such a negative self image, that if I could start again, I would’ve gotten glasses a whole lot sooner and seen the beauty I have within. Now I still may not love or even like certain things about myself, but I have come to see some desirable traits in myself I wish I had known about a lot sooner. Though I always knew I was boisterous, I never knew I had power with my voice. My ability to speak up for myself and or my patients in the hospital has led me to not only saving other people’s lives but my own as well. I may not be able to articulate well or even speak proper english many times, but my voice has power, and beauty resides in that trait. My dedication to things I love is also something I never saw as beautiful, but if I could go back, I would realise it makes me stand out more than some clear skin, or long blonde hair. As I continue my path in the medical field, moving upward and onward, I receive compliments from people I aspire to be like one day that are directed to my ability to work hard, and dedication to my job. Those compliments make my heart a lot happier than someone calling me pretty. If I could start again, I would make myself see the true meaning of beauty and look for the beauty within myself, rather than focusing on the superficial beauty that others deem as important. 

A plastic bag I was as I drifted through my high school years. So many events shaped me into the woman I have become today. As I drifted I definitely took some beatings from the outside world. This weathering took a toll on me but forced me to grow up and taught me how to gain strength through hard times. Sometimes I felt like I was a plastic bag in New York City, a pollutant on the streets, hit by cars, and mangled up by life. Breaking my neck, acne, depression, anxiety, concussions, break ups, the ending of friendships, the passing of a dear friend to me, undergoing emergency surgery to save my life, losing my fallopian tube, and working the front lines of Covid-19, are all examples of me getting hit by life,  but if I could start again, I don’t think I would change any of them. Through these hard times and adversities is where I found myself, who I am and why my purpose is. 

I am not going to sugar coat it, high school sucked. Though I would want to start again, and do things over differently if I could, I am thankful to know that somehow this plastic bag is going to be used for good one day. As I started to work every night in a hospital to help fight the coronavirus,  I started to feel like I had a purpose and a feeling of fulfillment. As a bag is meant to be used for carrying items, I found out that I was made to work in the medical field, and that emergency medicine is my niche. Though I felt so lost and empty for so long, I finally found something that brings me joy and is rewarding to my soul. High school caused me to lose my way a time or two, but some fateful breeze brought me to where I am today and I feel so blessed by that. Though I am still anxious about my future, and definitely don’t have my ducks in a row, or even a plan for tomorrow, I don’t feel like a plastic bag anymore. Katy Perry may have captured my high school experience in one small quote, but moving forward I am a firework, and I am going to show everyone what I’m worth.

Photo by: Grace Woodard (selfie)