Who I Choose To Be

Ever since I was young, I have only had 1 to 2 friends at once. I usually did not make friends growing up just because of my surroundings. I liked to do other things than just sit on my phone all day. I enjoyed being a lone soldier because I like things like hunting, fishing and the great outdoors. In a way, that had set me up for failure. There are not a lot of kids like myself, at least none that I have found. I figured out that being alone was the best choice for me. Learning how to do things on my own made me who I am today. I am way beyond my years of knowledge, I am seventeen, but a part of me feels like I am thirty by now. Being able to do what I need to do when I need to do it just kind of came along. I am a stubborn person, and I do not think that it has helped me collect friends along the way. I have a large enough attitude to fill the room, and I am not afraid to let everyone know what I am feeling while feeling it. I would say that ever since I was maybe around 8, I had set myself apart from everyone.

I tend to care for people, and then everything goes south. Therefore, I made sure to connect with all of my family members and focus my time on them. My mom is probably my best friend. Alongside my dad and brother. My mom is always there for me, and I know she would never turn on me regardless of anything that had happened. My brother and dad are basically the same person. Meaning, they both like to cut wood and swear at trees. They both work very hard, and my dad is probably the reason I have so much drive. He worked really hard when my brother and I were growing up, and it made me want to do the same thing. Sometimes it means not being around, but others it means making sure you cherish every moment you have with that person. My dad has high hopes for me, and he always makes it a point to make sure I am hanging in there ok. My grandmother is also like a best friend. She absolutely has my heart, she always listens and is an incredible at home therapist. Even though she may be a pain in my butt, she continues to show me love throughout it all. I feel lucky to have all of them in my life. Like I had mentioned previously, I do have a friend or two. Occasionally, I will make it a point to space myself out from them. I think that is why I am where I am now. At my current job, I do have a few friends that I go out to dinner with sometimes. They are much older than me, in their early 30’s. They are basically two times my age, but I see them and they show me what to be when I get their age. They show me how to conduct myself as well as being great role-models in situations. I do not always have a lot of confidence, but they give me a sense of that.

Back to my family, I know I can trust them. I have a problem with trusting others, mainly because I have been let down so many times. I enjoy being alone and I will probably do it for the rest of my life because it is what I am used to. I think it is ok to feel alone, and to be alone, once I had finally accepted it, it made it a lot easier. I have learned that who I choose to be is ok. Not everyone will put up with me, and I have learned that it is fine to stand alone. 

“Alone, but not lonely” by wanderinghome is marked with CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.