The Horror Movie Survival Guide

     While watching a horror movie I came to the realization that the characters contain no common sense whatsoever. If you ever find yourself in a dangerous situation, a horror movie is a great reference on what not to do in that situation. Since I find myself with writer’s block, I decided to create a horror movie survival guide while I watch Nightmare on Elm Street.

*If you have killed the monster or the villain trying to take your life, never check to see if the monster is really dead because it is likely the thing will wake up and continue to attack you.

*If the building you are in loses power do not search the basement or the attic. Actually, if there is anything suspicious going on in the building, it is a better idea to avoid the attic and/or basement.

*Even if you consider it a joke, never read a book about summoning a demonic entity aloud if you do not feel like being possessed or haunted by satan.

* If you currently find yourself living in a house that was built on or near a cemetery, used to be a church for some sort of religious cult, had previous inhabitants who became insane, committed suicide, or died in some awful fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in the house, I would suggest that you move out immediately.

 *Most would find this common sense, but horror movie characters do this often, do not solve any puzzles that could open a portal to hell. Unless it is your dream to have diner with satan, I would keep this tip in mind.

 *As general rule if you see a stranger with tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, or tire irons that individual is most likely dangerous.

 * If you find your child speaking in an extremely deep voice that is not their or speaking a language they should not know, you should probably kill them (this would save you a large amount of grief in the long run).

 * When you are being attacked, do not split up the group of people. Take advantage of numbers, it would better then trying to survive alone.

 * If some supernatural event is occurring in your life, do not stand above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, or mausoleum.

 *If appliances begin to function by themselves, be concerned and move out.

 * If you hear a strange noise and search for the cause, then tell yourself it was just the wind, leave immediately if you value your life.

 * If you end up in a town that appears deserted, assume that there is a reason and get out of there.

 * Do not try to alter someone’s genetics or fool with DNA technology, unless you are absolutely sure you know what you are doing. Note: If you do this there is a potential you will become a mutated monster or that you will release a deadly virus to the population.

 * When running from a murderer or some supernatural creature, you should expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Note: females tend to be less coordinated, so expect to fall more. Another important note is even though you are running as fast as you possibly can and the monster is walking or shuffling after you, the monster is still able to catch up to you.

 *If your friends begin to demonstrate any uncharacteristic behaviors like growling, hissing, obsession for blood, glowing or oddly colored eyes, etcetera get as far away from them as possible.

 * If a location is known for some type of horrific incident then stay away from it. For example, Amityville, Elm Street, the Bermuda Triangle, Area 51, Transyvania, or any very small town in Maine.

 *If you run out of gas at night or even during the day time, do not walk to a nearby abandoned-looking house to call for help. Instead I would suggest you invest in cell phone and AAA and make sure to check the amount of gas in your car before you leave.

 *Most importantly listen to the background music, if dramatic music begins to play, you are about to die.

 *Notice your audience, since they will be much more intelligent than you could ever be, considering you need this guide to survive a horror movie.